How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, but they have to be very tiny
Top rated jokes
Doctor: "I've got bad news for you. You are terminally ill."
Patient: "Is there anything I can do?"
Doctor: "No, nothing."
Patient: "There has to be something..."
Doctor: "No, nothing."
Patient: "Nothing at all?"
Doctor: "Well, you can start taking mud baths."
Patient: "Does that help?"
Doctor: "Not really, but your body will start to get used to being in the earth."
Patient: "Is there anything I can do?"
Doctor: "No, nothing."
Patient: "There has to be something..."
Doctor: "No, nothing."
Patient: "Nothing at all?"
Doctor: "Well, you can start taking mud baths."
Patient: "Does that help?"
Doctor: "Not really, but your body will start to get used to being in the earth."
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, "ribbit ... 9 iron."
I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, "ribbit 9 iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.
Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "ribbit 3 wood."
I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "ok where to next?"
The frog replies, "ribbit las vegas".
We went to las vegas and said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "ribbit roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck.
Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"
I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, "ribbit 9 iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.
Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "ribbit 3 wood."
I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "ok where to next?"
The frog replies, "ribbit las vegas".
We went to las vegas and said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "ribbit roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck.
Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"
A man is playing golf with his priest, and not doing very well. After yet another fluffed shot, he swears: "Damn! Missed!". The priest is offended, and remonstrates, but after his next bungle, the parishioner swears again: "DAMN! Missed!" "If you continue swearing like that," the priest warns, "God himself will smite you." The parishioner, however, is so uptight about his game that he can't keep the oaths in when he next misses a shot. Immediately, there is a blinding flash of light, a deafening thunderclap... and where the priest was standing, there are now only a pair of shoes and a wisp of smoke. And a voice from the heavens booms: "Damn. Missed."
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. The first guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that.
The second guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."
The second guy says, "Pet him, maybe he'll let you."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
A woman is in the maternity ward, having just given birth to her baby. The doctor comes in, cradling the child in his arms. As he is about to give it to the woman, he drops it on the ground, kicks it into the wall then throws it out the window.
"OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!?!?!"
The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."
"OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!?!?!"
The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."
So I was lying in bed one night, looking up at the stars when I wondered, "where the fuck did my roof go?"
A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks "Are you the Fish Fryer?" To which the man replies, "No, I'm the Chip Monk".