What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Top rated jokes
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
Why did it take three burly Boy Scouts to help the old lady across the street?
Because she didn't want to go.
Because she didn't want to go.
Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"
A director decides that he's going to make a movie based on the livesof famous classical composers. Looking for a prospective cast, he asksSylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie. Stallonethinks for a moment and says, "I like Mozart. Let me be Mozart."The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who he'dlike to play. Arnold replies, "I'll be Bach!"
How do you catch a polar bear?
First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.
First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly
Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony
says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek
of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss
couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie
bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony
says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane
that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry
cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually
Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek
of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can
e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.
But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss
couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie
bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."