Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

A: Because they're ugly and they smell bad.

A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks "how much is that one?". The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says "£200" Slightly confused, tha man says "thats a bit expensive, how about that one" and points at another pig. Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says "that ones heavier, so it'll be about £250". "Heavier?" said the man, "am i supposed to believe you are weighing them" "Yes siad the farmer, thats how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter" The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says "thats how you weigh pigs". By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "hang on, i'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife". To which his daughter added "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".

What kind of coat does a vampire wear in the rain?
A wet one.

Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?
She couldn't raise enough dough.

A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a tellernamed Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frogpulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheapknick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheardthe conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundredyears old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give thatfrog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."