Top rated jokes

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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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What does an apple and an apple tree have in common?
They both don't drive tractors.
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tags: tree
There were two retired racehorses living in a pasture. Their names wereRazzle and Dazzle. Every day they would race from one end of the pastureto the other. On the first day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caughtup, then Razzle pulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster,Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose.The next day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzlepulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle,Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose.The third day, Razzle pulled out ahead, then Dazzle caught up, then Razzlepulled away, then Dazzle started running even faster, Razzle, Dazzle, Razzle,Dazzle, Razzle, Dazzle, and Razzle won by a nose. A dog who had beenwatching them race day after day finally asked them, "Why is it that Razzle always wins by a nose?" And Razzle said to Dazzle, "Look,Dazzle, a talking dog!"
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tags: horse dog
A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?"The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."
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tags: bartender
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly

Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony

says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane

that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry

cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually

Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek

of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can

e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.

But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss

couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie

bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

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tags: god sick drunk jew
a snare drum and crash cymbol fall out of a tree..

baduumm, tssshhh
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tags: tree
Two men are standing on a golf course. The first one steps up, tees his first ball, and positions himself for a swing. The man lifts his club, swings smoothly down and smacks the ball into the air. It sails off in a nice, long arc, but as it comes down the two men can see that it's heading straight for the water trap.

Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.

When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.

The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?"
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A woman is in the maternity ward, having just given birth to her baby. The doctor comes in, cradling the child in his arms. As he is about to give it to the woman, he drops it on the ground, kicks it into the wall then throws it out the window.


The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."
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Q: Why the fireman was burried on the top of the hill?
A: Because he was dead.
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tags: dead fire
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood andbecame a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields andnever amounted to much. The second, naturally, became known as thelesser of two weevils.
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