Top rated jokes

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Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says, "Geez, it's hot in here isn't it?"And the other one says, "Aaaaaah! A talking sausage!"
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
Doctor: "I've got bad news for you. You are terminally ill."

Patient: "Is there anything I can do?"

Doctor: "No, nothing."

Patient: "There has to be something..."

Doctor: "No, nothing."

Patient: "Nothing at all?"

Doctor: "Well, you can start taking mud baths."

Patient: "Does that help?"

Doctor: "Not really, but your body will start to get used to being in the earth."
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
tags: help
A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell bloock breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number six!" There was dead silence in the cell block. He asks the older prisoner, "What's wrong? Why didn't I get any laughs?"

"Well," said the older man, "sometimes it's not the joke, but how you tell it."
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
tags: joke dead prison
A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks "Are you the Fish Fryer?" To which the man replies, "No, I'm the Chip Monk".
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?



A: You wanna go ride bikes!!!
  • Currently 3.85714/5 Stars.
tags: kids
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a tellernamed Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frogpulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheapknick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheardthe conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundredyears old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give thatfrog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
  • Currently 3.83333/5 Stars.
tags: bank frog
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."
  • Currently 3.83333/5 Stars.
tags: dog
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!""Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
  • Currently 3.81818/5 Stars.
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for a bad summer.
  • Currently 3.8/5 Stars.
tags: summer
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