Top rated jokes

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Part 1:

One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.

For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."

Part 2:

Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."
  • Currently 4.5/5 Stars.
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey pirate, do you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrrh, I know, it's drivin me nuts"
  • Currently 4.33333/5 Stars.
Two television sets got married. The wedding was boring, but the reception wasbeautiful.
  • Currently 4.33333/5 Stars.
tags: wedding
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.
  • Currently 4.33333/5 Stars.
tags: red
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: You wanna go ride bikes!!!
  • Currently 4.33333/5 Stars.
tags: kids
Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

A: Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
  • Currently 4.33333/5 Stars.
tags: women ugly
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a tellernamed Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frogpulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheapknick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheardthe conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundredyears old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give thatfrog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
  • Currently 4.25/5 Stars.
tags: bank frog
two irish men walk into a bar

you thoght one of them would have seen it!
  • Currently 4.25/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks "how much is that one?". The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says "200" Slightly confused, tha man says "thats a bit expensive, how about that one" and points at another pig. Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says "that ones heavier, so it'll be about 250". "Heavier?" said the man, "am i supposed to believe you are weighing them" "Yes siad the farmer, thats how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter" The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says "thats how you weigh pigs". By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "hang on, i'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife". To which his daughter added "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".
  • Currently 4.25/5 Stars.
Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly

Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony

says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane

that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry

cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually

Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek

of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can

e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks.

But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss

couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie

bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

  • Currently 4.2/5 Stars.
tags: god sick drunk jew
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