Jokes tagged wood

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes tothe monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do youthink I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed himdinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears astrange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, butthey say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointedbut thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears thesame strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, heasks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not amonk."The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the onlyway I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I becomea monk?"The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how manyblades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When youfind these numbers, you will become a monk."The man sets about his task.Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for.There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sandpebbles on the earth."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now amonk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man toa wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind thatdoor."The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Realfunny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens thedoor. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demandsthe key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, onlyto find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, whoprovide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. Soit went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, andamethyst.Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, andbehind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.
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Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck 'er.
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tags: owl wood
One day, this king decided to go hunting. So he gathered up hisentourage of servants and went trekking into the woods, in search ofdeer. After searching for a while, he heard some rustling in the bushesnearby. He drew his rifle and aimed at the bush, when, all of asudden, a man came running out, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot!I'm not a deer!" The king shot him dead.After a little while, one of the king's servants finally gathered upenough courage to ask the king, "Sire, why did you shoot that man? Hesaid he wasn't a deer!"The king replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"
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tags: dead wood
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary littleboy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down tothe bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friendshuddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,"What's the Purple Wombat?""You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimeddisgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children."Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't knowwhat the Purple Wombat is!"The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the PurpleWombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in thevery back of the bus, all by himself.Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went toclass. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegianceand worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then theteacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really payingattention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the PurpleWombat.Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,"Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?""You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm,"Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts --march!"So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to theprincipal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, andtimidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, satthe principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thinmustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough tofrighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost totears."Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?""Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's beenacting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher justsent me to you and stuff.""Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all.Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?""It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.""What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am callingyour mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother wasstanding in the doorway waiting for him."Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?""Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in theback of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal'soffice and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what thePurple Wombat is!""What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked."Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doorsshutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talkingdownstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footstepscoming up the stairs, and his door opened."Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother saysyou've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?""Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!""You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you canjust stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on hisbed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lyingthere, crying, wishing he would wake up.Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find thesource of the voice, but he could not."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He gotto the edge of a wood."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and veryfrightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the PurpleWombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he keptfalling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the townlake."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboatsfrom the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, itwas very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, andthe boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way acrossthe lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood upto look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn'tknow how to swim, so he drowned.Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.
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R. Boles was an amazing man. Every day, he would climb a palm tree andfly it to work. Word got to the military about the abilities of thisman. They brought him to the base to see if the rumors were true and ifhis abilities might be used. The man was worried because he could see nopalm trees. But nobody would listen. They told him, "Trees is trees,right?"Anyway, they brought him to the general, who wanted him to demonstrate what hecould do. He said, "But sir, this is an elm tree."But the general snarled back, "Trees is trees, right? Now get in that tree,and fly."The man climbed the tree and tried to fly it. He tried and tried again, butthe tree wooden even budge. The general got impatient. "What's the matter,son? Can't you fly trees?""Sir, that's what I've been trying to tell everyone. I'm a palm pilot!"
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tags: fly wood tree
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, "ribbit ... 9 iron."

I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, "ribbit 9 iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.

Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "ribbit 3 wood."

I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "ok where to next?"

The frog replies, "ribbit las vegas".

We went to las vegas and said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "ribbit roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck.

Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"
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The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.

"Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?

A: Natalie Wood
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tags: wood
Q: Why didn't Natalie Wood take a shower on the boat?

A: She wanted to wash up on shore.
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tags: wood
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