Jokes tagged woman

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A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?
She couldn't raise enough dough.
  • Currently 3.33333/5 Stars.
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, ayoung husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a largeinsurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworldfigure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husbandthat his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husbandsaid he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have anycash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up hiswallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artiesighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar asdown payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safewaygrocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department andproceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poorunsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, themanager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but tostrangle the produce manager as well.Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden camerasand observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called thepolice. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed thesordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the haplesshusband.And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow.They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it issnowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they seeGeneral Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute.The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing,his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: woman red face wife
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a familyin Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they namehim "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Uponreceiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had apicture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seenJuan, you've seen Amal."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: woman mom husband
a man walks into a library drunk and says can i have a fish and chips please the woman says sir this is a library and then whispers can i have a fish and chips please
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: woman fish drunk
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

You already told her twice! What makes you think anything else will work?
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: woman black eyes
Why didn't the woman cross the road?

There was no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: woman road bed
Did you hear the headline abou the lunatic who raped the laundry woman and ran away? "Nut screws washer and bolts"
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: woman
An IT student is walking along with his bike when another IT student walks up to him and goes “Nice bike. Where did you get it?”

The first student says, “The other day, this beautiful woman ran up to me with this bike, threw it on the ground, ripped off all her clothes and said ‘Take anything you want!’”

The first student says, “So I took the bike”.

The second student says, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: woman
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