Jokes tagged wife
confluence 42 points 21 hours ago
A Polish farmer is ploughing his field when he hits an obstruction in the soil - a dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it to clean it off, and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.
"Thank goodness you found my lamp I was getting bored," says the Genie. "I will grant you any three wishes you desire."
The farmer thinks and thinks and finally says: "I want the Mongols to invade Poland... and then go home."
The genie looks confused, but he shrugs, and snaps his fingers, and the Mongols invade. They rampage through the country, looting and pillaging... and then they go home.
"OK," says the genie, "that was your first wish. What else do you want?"
"I want the Mongols to invade Poland again... and then go home."
The genie sighs. "Fine, it's your wish, I guess." He snaps his fingers again, and the Mongols return. They set the farmhouse on fire, and steal the chickens, and then they go home.
"And what is your final wish?" asks the genie.
"I want the Mongols to invade Poland again, and then go home," says the farmer without hesitation.
So the Mongols invade once again, and steal everything that isn't nailed down. They steal the farmer's old wife, and his plough, and rough him up a bit, and then they leave.
As they are both standing in the smoking, ransacked ruins of the farmhouse, the genie says: "OK, I have to know. What the hell was that about? You could have wished for anything in the whole world, and you had the Mongols invade your own country three times, and totally destroy it. Why?!"
The farmer looks very pleased with himself. "Well, you see, in order to invade us three times and go home, they had to go through Russia six times!"
A man and his wife are playing golf. He shanks one into the rough, and finds an old barn between him and the hole. "No problem," says his wife, "I'll open the barn doors and you can hit it through the barn." She does this, but the ball bounces off a beam, hits her in the head and kills her.
Three years later, the widower and his buddy are playing the same course, and the widower lands again in the same spot. "No problem," says his buddy, "I'll open the barn doors and you can hit it through the barn."
"Hell, no!" says the widower. "Last time I tried that, I came in five over par!"
Three years later, the widower and his buddy are playing the same course, and the widower lands again in the same spot. "No problem," says his buddy, "I'll open the barn doors and you can hit it through the barn."
"Hell, no!" says the widower. "Last time I tried that, I came in five over par!"
When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.
Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.
I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.
I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Two brothers are separated at birth, one going to live in the big city and the other on a farm in the coutry. Eventually, the two learn of each other and there's a happy reunion on the country brother's farm. Having never been to a farm before, the city brother asks for a tour. The farmer shows him the cows, the barn, horses, and the corn fields before coming to the pig sty, where he proudly introduces his prized possesion: a three-legged sow.
"That sow is finest animal to ever live," proclaimed the farmer, "She saved my three children from the barn when it was burning down."
"When I fell from the tree over yonder, she ran all the way to town and fetched the doctor," he continued.
"And, when my wife went into labor in the middle of the night, she delivered my yongest son!"
Amazed, the city brother remarked, "that's quite a pig. But, what happened to her that she only has three legs?"
"Well, hell," said the farmer, "be a damn shame, eat a pig like that all at once."
"That sow is finest animal to ever live," proclaimed the farmer, "She saved my three children from the barn when it was burning down."
"When I fell from the tree over yonder, she ran all the way to town and fetched the doctor," he continued.
"And, when my wife went into labor in the middle of the night, she delivered my yongest son!"
Amazed, the city brother remarked, "that's quite a pig. But, what happened to her that she only has three legs?"
"Well, hell," said the farmer, "be a damn shame, eat a pig like that all at once."
The Compassionate Lawyer
A lawyer was being driven around town in his limo when he saw 2 men on the side of the road eating grass.
Moved, the lawyer tells his driver to stop and gets out to talk to the men.
"What is going on? Why are you eating grass?" he asks the men.
"We are very poor me, sir", the first responds, "this is all we have."
"Well, come with me" insists the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife and three kids! My friend here, he was a wife and four kids!"
"We will go get them as well" declares the lawyer.
An hour later they are all driving in the limo to the lawyers estate.
"Sir, I don't know how to thank you enough!"
"Oh, it is no problem. The grass at my house has to be at least a foot tall!"
A lawyer was being driven around town in his limo when he saw 2 men on the side of the road eating grass.
Moved, the lawyer tells his driver to stop and gets out to talk to the men.
"What is going on? Why are you eating grass?" he asks the men.
"We are very poor me, sir", the first responds, "this is all we have."
"Well, come with me" insists the lawyer.
"But sir, I have a wife and three kids! My friend here, he was a wife and four kids!"
"We will go get them as well" declares the lawyer.
An hour later they are all driving in the limo to the lawyers estate.
"Sir, I don't know how to thank you enough!"
"Oh, it is no problem. The grass at my house has to be at least a foot tall!"
Three construction workers (an Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck) were sitting on a steel beam at the top of a skyscraper they were building. It was lunchtime. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and sees that he has spaghetti and meatballs.
"Son of a bitch", he says, "spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it's spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this building".
The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a burrito. "Damnit", he says, "another damn burrito, I'm so tired of burritos, If I have to eat a burrito again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building and commit suicide".
The Redneck worker opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Shit!!!, another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to commit suicide".
The next day during lunch hour, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a burrito, closes the box and jumps to his death. The Redneck worker opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich, closes the box and jumps to his death.
A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals. The Italian worker's wife was crying.
"Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta, and he would still be here today.
The Mexican worker's wife said "I could have fixed my husband a taco or an enchilada, and he would be here with me today".
There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Redneck worker's wife to comment.
"Don't look at me", she said, "He fixes his own lunch".
"Son of a bitch", he says, "spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it's spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this building".
The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a burrito. "Damnit", he says, "another damn burrito, I'm so tired of burritos, If I have to eat a burrito again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building and commit suicide".
The Redneck worker opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Shit!!!, another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to commit suicide".
The next day during lunch hour, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a burrito, closes the box and jumps to his death. The Redneck worker opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich, closes the box and jumps to his death.
A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals. The Italian worker's wife was crying.
"Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta, and he would still be here today.
The Mexican worker's wife said "I could have fixed my husband a taco or an enchilada, and he would be here with me today".
There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Redneck worker's wife to comment.
"Don't look at me", she said, "He fixes his own lunch".
farmer wants to milk a cow in the barn. He puts his stool next to the cow and the bucket below it. As he starts milking the cow kicks the bucket with the left leg. After a while the farmer is pissed off and takes a rope to fix the cow's leg to a pole. Yet before he can start milking again the cow kicks the bucket with its right leg. So the farmer fixes the right leg to another pole. The farmer wants to start milking again, but now the cow is slapping him with its tail. Wanting to fix the tail to a roof beam he puts the stool behind the cow and steps on it. Having no rope left, he takes off his belt to fix the tail. So as he's holding the cows tail in one hand, his belt in the other his pants drop down right before his wife enters staring at him. He just says: "You know, sometimes things are hard to explain"
A man is driving through the countryside when he sees a sign that reads "Pigs for sale, next left". Curiosity got the better of him and he turned into the farm.The farmer greets him at the gate and asks him which pig he wants. The man, having no experience of buying pigs simply points at one and asks "how much is that one?". The farmer grabs the pig's tail between his teeth, lifts the pig off the floor and says "£200" Slightly confused, tha man says "thats a bit expensive, how about that one" and points at another pig. Again the father picks up the pig by the tail between his teeth and says "that ones heavier, so it'll be about £250". "Heavier?" said the man, "am i supposed to believe you are weighing them" "Yes siad the farmer, thats how you weigh pigs, everybody knows that, ask my daughter" The man turns to his daughter and sure enough she says "thats how you weigh pigs". By this point the man is sure he is being conned, and is about to leave when the farmer says, "hang on, i'll prove that this is how you weigh pigs, ask my wife". To which his daughter added "Oh, you can't ask her, she's weighing the postman".