Jokes tagged wife

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeastinfection. He was 71.Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens ofcelebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins,Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker. The gravesite was piled high with flours aslongtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who"never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business,but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered avery smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes. Still, even as acrusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by hissecond wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was heldat 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: wife friend
Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn'tknow what to name them. The husband said, "Let's just wait. If we waitlong enough, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks,they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, oneboy would face the sea, and the other would face inland."Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman, and his wifeagreed.Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, "It's timethat you learned how to make a living from the sea." The fisherman andhis sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. Atthe voyage's end, the fisherman returned alone."What happened?" his wife cried."We were barely one day out to sea," the fisherman explained solemnly,"when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fishwas great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yeteventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulledover the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of themagain.""Oh dear!" the wife cried. "What a huge fish that must havebeen! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!""Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
My wife went to the East Indies for her holidays.
Jakarta?
No, she went by plane.
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
tags: wife
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, ayoung husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a largeinsurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworldfigure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husbandthat his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husbandsaid he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have anycash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up hiswallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artiesighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar asdown payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safewaygrocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department andproceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poorunsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, themanager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but tostrangle the produce manager as well.Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden camerasand observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called thepolice. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed thesordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the haplesshusband.And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow.They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it issnowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they seeGeneral Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute.The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing,his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: woman red face wife
This disheveled-looking guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders astiff drink. The bartender says, "What's eating you?"The guy says, "My wife left me this morning, I got laid off this afternoon,my car got wrecked earlier tonight, and my dog died in the vet's office."The bartender says, "Wow! I forgot the punchline!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of hisriders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are namedPatty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on.At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took offhis shoes, and picked at his bunions.When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new thatday. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks hisbunions on a Sesame Street bus."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
Murphy's wife told him he should put a pair of clean socks on everyday. By Friday he couldn't get his boots on.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: wife
My wife went to the West Indies for her holidays.
Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: wife
Doctor: "I've got bad news and good news. Which one do you want to hear first?". Patient: "The bad news" Doctor: "The bad news is that you've got cancer and only a few days to live" Patient: "Shoot!, what's the good news?" Doctor (smiling): I'm doing your wife!
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
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