Jokes tagged tree

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What do you call a plant that doesn't move?

A tree.
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tags: tree
a snare drum and crash cymbol fall out of a tree..

baduumm, tssshhh
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tags: tree
Two men are standing on a golf course. The first one steps up, tees his first ball, and positions himself for a swing. The man lifts his club, swings smoothly down and smacks the ball into the air. It sails off in a nice, long arc, but as it comes down the two men can see that it's heading straight for the water trap.

Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.

When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.

The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?"
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q: what's black and would kill you if it jumped on you out of a tree?

a: a grand piano
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tags: black piano tree
q: what's green and yellow and hangs from trees?

a: gorilla snot.
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tags: green tree
q: What's got four legs, is fuzzy and green, and would kill you if it came out of a tree at you?

a: A pool table.
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tags: green tree
Q) What's grey and can't climb trees?
A) A car park.
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tags: car tree
Two brothers are separated at birth, one going to live in the big city and the other on a farm in the coutry. Eventually, the two learn of each other and there's a happy reunion on the country brother's farm. Having never been to a farm before, the city brother asks for a tour. The farmer shows him the cows, the barn, horses, and the corn fields before coming to the pig sty, where he proudly introduces his prized possesion: a three-legged sow.

"That sow is finest animal to ever live," proclaimed the farmer, "She saved my three children from the barn when it was burning down."

"When I fell from the tree over yonder, she ran all the way to town and fetched the doctor," he continued.

"And, when my wife went into labor in the middle of the night, she delivered my yongest son!"

Amazed, the city brother remarked, "that's quite a pig. But, what happened to her that she only has three legs?"

"Well, hell," said the farmer, "be a damn shame, eat a pig like that all at once."
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A traveling salesman is driving down a country road when he comes across a farmer who is standing in his orchard, hoisting pigs into the apple trees with ropes. He stops. "What are you doing?" the salesman asks. "I'm feeding the pigs," answers the farmer, incredulous that someone could ask a question with such an obvious answer. "Well," says the salesman, "why don't you let the apples fall to the ground, gather them up in baskets, and feed the pigs that way?" The farmer ponders, then says, "Hmmmm. Yes, I guess I could do it that way. But what would be the point?" The salesman is a bit exasperated: "Well, it would save time, wouldn't it?" The farmer ponders again. "Yes," he says after a pause, "I guess it would save time. But what's time to a pig?"
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Q:Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?

A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.
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tags: german paris tree
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