Jokes tagged stop

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Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed onevery level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the buildingneeded to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level:level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40.One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office.He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared histhroat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building hadever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off.The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself,when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!"John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss lookedat him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptiveto the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1,level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that jokewas funny on so many levels."
  • Currently 2/5 Stars.
tags: joke fire stop eyes
Bum at the bus stop, lady walks up with dress up her crack, bum discretely pulls it out, lady slaps him,



[hand gesture pushing it back into crack]
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: stop
A Harvard man and a Yale man go into a washroom and use the urinals. After they are done, the Harvard man stopped to wash his hands, while the Yale man headed for the door.

The Harvard man looked at the Yale man disapprovingly. "At Harvard, we take care to wash our hands after using the lavatory."

"Well," the Yale man replied, "at Yale, we know not to piss on our hands."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: stop
One day a guy is sitting in his office when he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Go to Las Vegas." He thinks nothing of it until the next day when he hears the voice again, "Go to Las Vegas." He continues to ignore the voice, but it comes back every hour, then every minute, and by the end of the day he can't take it any more. Finally he gives in, fills up his gas tank and drives to Las Vegas.

The moment he arrives, he hears the voice again, only this time it says, "Go to a casino." Beginning to think that maybe the voice is leading him to something wonderful, he goes to the first casino he can find. As soon as he walks through the front doors of the casino, the voice is back, and says, "Go to the roulette table." So the guy makes his way to the roulette table as quickly as possible. By now the anticipation is getting him very excited. As he approaches the roulette table, the voice says, "Bet everything you have on 24 black." The guy pushes his way to the front, and throws all he has on the table and shouts, "Let it all ride on 24 black!!" The dealer spins the wheel, drops in the ball, and around it goes... Finally the wheel comes to a stop. The dealer calls out, "14 Red." The voice says, "Shit!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: mom red stop black
Monks in a Buddhist monastery had a silence vow. They could only speak a single sentence in a yearly ritual dinner, and only one of them per year. The day of the dinner arrived and the choosen monk said to another:

--- You ate some of my rice.

They resumed the ritual and their daily activites. In the next year, it was the time of the second monk to speak, and he said:

--- No I didn't.

Again they resumed the rotine, and a full year after it was the time for the supervisor monk to speak. At the ritual dinner, he got up and said:

--- Stop fighting, you two.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Jesus has been crucifixed and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them a wish before he ascends into heaven.

The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says "Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool".

Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water.

He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the better. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go.

Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water.

But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can't help asking why Jesus can't repeat the miracle. "Oh, I can", Jesus insists, "at least I could before I had these bloody holes in my feet".
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
A traveling salesman is driving down a country road when he comes across a farmer who is standing in his orchard, hoisting pigs into the apple trees with ropes. He stops. "What are you doing?" the salesman asks. "I'm feeding the pigs," answers the farmer, incredulous that someone could ask a question with such an obvious answer. "Well," says the salesman, "why don't you let the apples fall to the ground, gather them up in baskets, and feed the pigs that way?" The farmer ponders, then says, "Hmmmm. Yes, I guess I could do it that way. But what would be the point?" The salesman is a bit exasperated: "Well, it would save time, wouldn't it?" The farmer ponders again. "Yes," he says after a pause, "I guess it would save time. But what's time to a pig?"
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
The Compassionate Lawyer

A lawyer was being driven around town in his limo when he saw 2 men on the side of the road eating grass.

Moved, the lawyer tells his driver to stop and gets out to talk to the men.

"What is going on? Why are you eating grass?" he asks the men.

"We are very poor me, sir", the first responds, "this is all we have."

"Well, come with me" insists the lawyer.

"But sir, I have a wife and three kids! My friend here, he was a wife and four kids!"

"We will go get them as well" declares the lawyer.

An hour later they are all driving in the limo to the lawyers estate.

"Sir, I don't know how to thank you enough!"

"Oh, it is no problem. The grass at my house has to be at least a foot tall!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Every day, the good doctor stops by the local bar and orders a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home from the office. Before long, the bartender expects his visits and has the daiquiri waiting upon the doctor's arrival.

One day, the bartender begins to prepare the doctor's daily daiquiri but realizes he's all out of hazelnut. In a pinch, he opts to use hickory instead.

The doctor arrives, takes a sip of his drink, and says to the bartender, "Hey, this isn't a hazelnut daiquiri." The bartender nods and replies, "You're right. It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
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