Jokes tagged stop

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How do you make any watch a stopwatch?
Don't wind it.
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
tags: stop
When do ghosts have to stop scaring people?
When they lose their haunting licenses.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: stop ghost people
This one Roman governor was a spontaneous guy, and he was often annoyed whenhis astrologer buddy had to consult the stars before they could meetfor a beer or go to the gladiator fights. Soon he got so fed up thathe stopped calling him. The astrologer called him a month later,claiming that he had turned over a new leaf.Incredulous, the governor asked, "OK, howzabout a game of racquetballthen?" There was a long pause. "What are you doing now?" he askedsharply."Hang on, I'm checking my palm, Pilate."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: stop
When can your car stop the quickest?
When it's brakefast time.
  • Currently 2.5/5 Stars.
tags: stop car
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnutdaiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and wouldalways have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnutextract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took asip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!""No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
This guy's walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night.There isn't another soul on the street. Suddenly, from out of the gloom,comes an ominous bump...bump...bump. He looks behind him and spots afurtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him. Unnerved, he picksup his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run. He looks behind himagain, and the shadow is closer. Bump...bump...bump. The glow of astreetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man's horror, itis a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk. He quickens his pace, running asfast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP! He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for hiskeys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps. Heslams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.Bump...bump...bump. There is a moment's silence, and the man wondersif he dares to breathe. Suddenly.... Bump...bump...bump...Bump...BUMP!BUMP! BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!! He rebounds away as the door breaks offits hinges. Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffinraces after. BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP! Terrified, he backs into a cornerand starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin -- a handful ofpapers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp -- but the coffin keeps coming!BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin,too!The coffin stops.
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
tags: cat mom stop black
A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friarsfound it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran afloral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venusfly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so theyjust kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were nolonger enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. Itate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, thenraccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this andattempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One wayor another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms oflarge animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired aprofessional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed themonastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them overto the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent floristfriars.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
Why did the stoplight turn red?
You would too, if you had to change in front of all those people.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: red stop people
A man is a bus driver on Sesame Street and insists on meeting all of hisriders. At the first stop, two overweight women got on the bus; both are namedPatty. At the next stop, a mentally challenged boy named Ross got on.At the final stop, a disgusting man named Lester Freeze got on, took offhis shoes, and picked at his bunions.When the bus driver got home, his wife asked him if he met anyone new thatday. He said, "Two obese Patties, special Ross; Lester Freeze picks hisbunions on a Sesame Street bus."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary littleboy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing,destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down tothe bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friendshuddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them,"What's the Purple Wombat?""You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimeddisgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy,always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy,confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children."Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't knowwhat the Purple Wombat is!"The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the PurpleWombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in thevery back of the bus, all by himself.Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went toclass. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegianceand worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then theteacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really payingattention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the PurpleWombat.Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked,"Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?""You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm,"Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts --march!"So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to theprincipal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, andtimidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, satthe principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thinmustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough tofrighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost totears."Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?""Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's beenacting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher justsent me to you and stuff.""Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all.Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?""It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is.""What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am callingyour mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home.Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother wasstanding in the doorway waiting for him."Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?""Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in theback of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal'soffice and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what thePurple Wombat is!""What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked."Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed,crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doorsshutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talkingdownstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footstepscoming up the stairs, and his door opened."Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother saysyou've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?""Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!""You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you canjust stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on hisbed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lyingthere, crying, wishing he would wake up.Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said:"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find thesource of the voice, but he could not."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on,opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He gotto the edge of a wood."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and veryfrightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the PurpleWombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he keptfalling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going,driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the townlake."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboatsfrom the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, itwas very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was."Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, andthe boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way acrossthe lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood upto look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn'tknow how to swim, so he drowned.Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.
  • Currently 3.33333/5 Stars.
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