Jokes tagged police

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Knock knock!
Who's there?
Police.
Police who?
Police open the door -- I forgot my lunch!
  • Currently 2.5/5 Stars.
tags: knock police
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, ayoung husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a largeinsurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworldfigure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husbandthat his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husbandsaid he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have anycash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up hiswallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artiesighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar asdown payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safewaygrocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department andproceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poorunsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, themanager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but tostrangle the produce manager as well.Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden camerasand observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called thepolice. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed thesordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the haplesshusband.And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
What's a policeman's favourite food?
Irish stew.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: police
What did the policeman say to his belly button?
You're under a vest!
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: police belly
One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered ameans to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, nomoney needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' livesrequired putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients wasbaby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach tofind some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through aforest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefullystepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman."Officer," he said, "what's going on?""You're under arrest," said the policeman."But why?" he asked.The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions forimmortal porpoises."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: police baby
I stole a futon from a shop. I think the police are after me, so I have beenlying low.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: police
A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friarsfound it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran afloral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venusfly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so theyjust kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were nolonger enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. Itate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, thenraccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this andattempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One wayor another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms oflarge animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired aprofessional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed themonastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them overto the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent floristfriars.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
A blonde speeder is pulled over by a blonde police officer.

The blonde cop says "I need to see your license". The blonde driver digs through her purse for awhile, and says "I can't find it. What does it look like?".

So the cop, making a rectangle with her hands, says "it's rectangular, and has your picture on it". The blonde driver searches through her purse but can't find it. She finally comes up with the only rectangular item, a small mirror.

She looks at it, shrugs, and hands it to the blonde cop. The blonde cop looks at it, shrugs, and hands it back to the blonde driver. "Oh, you can go" the blonde cop says.

"I didn't realize you were a cop".
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
Results 1 - 8 of 8
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