Jokes tagged people

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In a particular small country, there was a king. He was much beloved ofthe people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor peopleand could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks,and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him. And the king waspleased.Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peaceoffering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously andwas most pleased. The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable.So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massivethrone in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stowthrones.
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tags: people
Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method ofmaking applesauce, but not many know that he and his family werechampionship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsoredeagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent yourfirm was a great honor.Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented yourfamily business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately,the old records have been lost, and today we can't be sure for whomthe Tells bowl.
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tags: people
How do small people call each other?
On microphones.
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tags: people
What is the only thing keeping fat people from jenny craig?



The door
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tags: people fat
A man walks into a bar with a head under his arm, he sits down at the bar and places the head on the table.

"Can I have a beer for me and my son please?" The barman looks a bit puzzled but gives them both a drink.

The man tilts the boy's head back and pours the drink down his throat. Suddenly like magic the boy grows a torso.

"Wow, I am amazed I have never seen that before", said the barman. "I'll give him a drink on the house." he added.

The man again pours the drink down his throat and bam, the boy grows an arm. The people at the bar are so amazed by this they keep on buying the boy a drink until finally he has a full body.

"Right dad, I've had enough, meet you back home." At this the boy opened the door, stepped outside and got run over by a bus.

The barman is distraught, "I am so sorry, if I knew that was going to happen I would have never bought him that drink. "Don't worry," the man said "he should of quit while he was ahead."
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A man walks into a bar with a dead rabbit. The people in the bar say "how did you get that?" Then the man says "me follow tracks me find rabbit. Then another man comes in with a dead deer and the people say "how did you get that?" He says me follow tracks me find deer. Then another man comes in and there is blood all over him and the people say "what happened?" and the man says "me follow trcks me get hit by train"
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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but they have to be very tiny
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tags: people
Now while I enjoy the occasional nonsensical joke (Two ducks are sitting in a bathtub, one says, "Pass the soap," so the other says, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"), that's not why I find the "difference between a duck" joke so funny. Now a joke isn't funny if you have to explain it, but so many people have been expressing their incredulity at it that I feel compelled to defend it (and hopefully clear myself of the charges of witlessness). I always thought it was a very unique kind of joke I haven't heard any quite like it.

First, I think the question itself is funny. Why? Because it just fails to make sense at the last moment. Any way you attempt to parse it you get thrown for a loop. I guess it's a matter of taste whether you enjoy that or not.

The first answer continues in that vein with the same singular/plural confusion: It would make sense if it was "One of its legs is the same as..." or "Both of its legs are the same." Pieces of it make sense but not the whole put together I think it's something like a linguistic equivalent of the Penrose triangle. Actually, I think it is the equivalent, because that's exactly the same sense of amusement I get.

The second answer is the same, but additionally you can have fun trying to visualize the ludicrous image of a duck banging its head together when it walks.

The last one is just funny because it's absurd. I can't explain, just try to imagine acting it out to somebody.

By now, apart from thinking the joke is unfunny, you're also thinking what a loser this guy is trying to explain a bad joke and making a fool of himself in the process, so I'll just shut up now. But not before telling you the one about... ...the Buddhist who walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

...

Oh, and when the guy hands him a hot dog, the Buddhist pays him and asks for his change. So the guy smiles and says, "Change comes from within."
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Q: Why don't blind people skydive more often?
A: It scares the hell out of their dogs.
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tags: dog people
The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"
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