Jokes tagged nuts

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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnutdaiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and wouldalways have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnutextract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took asip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!""No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
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An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family ofsquirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own.This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of therabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realizedthat it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discussthe problem.He said he was unsure of his place in the universeand was generally forlorn.His step-parents advised, "Don't scurry. Be hoppy."
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing inthe lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. Soon the manager cameout and asked them to disperse. "But why," one asked."Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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tags: nuts
Why is Frankenstein a dickhead?

Because his nuts are in his neck.
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tags: dick nuts
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey pirate, do you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrrh, I know, it's drivin me nuts"
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A man walks into a therapist's with just clingfilm around his waist therapist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".
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tags: nuts
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