Jokes tagged monk

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes tothe monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do youthink I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed himdinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears astrange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, butthey say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointedbut thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears thesame strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, heasks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not amonk."The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the onlyway I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I becomea monk?"The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how manyblades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When youfind these numbers, you will become a monk."The man sets about his task.Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for.There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sandpebbles on the earth."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now amonk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man toa wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind thatdoor."The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Realfunny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens thedoor. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demandsthe key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, onlyto find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, whoprovide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. Soit went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, andamethyst.Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, andbehind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.
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Two monkeys stumbled into a wall. They were plastered!
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tags: monk
How do you fix a broken chimp?
With a monkeywrench.
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tags: monk
A student said to the chief monk, "Help me to pacify my mind!"

The chief monk said, "Bring your mind over here and I will pacify it."

The student said, "But I don't know where my mind is!"

The monk replied, "Then I have already pacified it."

The student said, "Explain to me in detail what you have just done."

The chief monk was silent.

The student said, "Well?"

The monk hung his head, saying, "I tried to confuse you so that you would go away."
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tags: monk
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
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Monks in a Buddhist monastery had a silence vow. They could only speak a single sentence in a yearly ritual dinner, and only one of them per year. The day of the dinner arrived and the choosen monk said to another:

--- You ate some of my rice.

They resumed the ritual and their daily activites. In the next year, it was the time of the second monk to speak, and he said:

--- No I didn't.

Again they resumed the rotine, and a full year after it was the time for the supervisor monk to speak. At the ritual dinner, he got up and said:

--- Stop fighting, you two.
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There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words. After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Bed... hard..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Food... stinks..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?"

"I... quit!" said the monk.

"Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain."
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tags: monastery monk
Part 1:

One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.

For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."

Part 2:

Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."
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A man visits a monastery. At dinner he is served Fish and Chips, and they are delicious, the best he has ever eaten. He goes back into the kitchen to thank the cook, and finding someone there cooking, he asks "Are you the Fish Fryer?" To which the man replies, "No, I'm the Chip Monk".
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