Jokes tagged husband

Results 1 - 7 of 7
Your search returned one page of results

Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn'tknow what to name them. The husband said, "Let's just wait. If we waitlong enough, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks,they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, oneboy would face the sea, and the other would face inland."Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman, and his wifeagreed.Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, "It's timethat you learned how to make a living from the sea." The fisherman andhis sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. Atthe voyage's end, the fisherman returned alone."What happened?" his wife cried."We were barely one day out to sea," the fisherman explained solemnly,"when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fishwas great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yeteventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulledover the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of themagain.""Oh dear!" the wife cried. "What a huge fish that must havebeen! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!""Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, ayoung husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a largeinsurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworldfigure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husbandthat his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husbandsaid he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have anycash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up hiswallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artiesighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar asdown payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safewaygrocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department andproceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poorunsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, themanager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but tostrangle the produce manager as well.Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden camerasand observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called thepolice. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed thesordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the haplesshusband.And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. "Kids,"they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselveshusbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to besure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that,they send their children forth to find mates.A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like youto meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho.""Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'dlike you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine.""Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul."A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'dlike you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw.""Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do notapprove of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goesthrough with it."But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter withTom Brokaw?""Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a familyin Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they namehim "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Uponreceiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had apicture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they're twins. If you've seenJuan, you've seen Amal."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: woman mom husband
a big fat women looked in the mirror and said to her husband 'im fat and ugly say something to make me feel better' he said 'your eyesight is perfect
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Three construction workers (an Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck) were sitting on a steel beam at the top of a skyscraper they were building. It was lunchtime. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and sees that he has spaghetti and meatballs.

"Son of a bitch", he says, "spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it's spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this building".

The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a burrito. "Damnit", he says, "another damn burrito, I'm so tired of burritos, If I have to eat a burrito again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building and commit suicide".

The Redneck worker opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Shit!!!, another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to commit suicide".

The next day during lunch hour, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a burrito, closes the box and jumps to his death. The Redneck worker opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich, closes the box and jumps to his death.

A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals. The Italian worker's wife was crying.

"Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta, and he would still be here today.

The Mexican worker's wife said "I could have fixed my husband a taco or an enchilada, and he would be here with me today".

There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Redneck worker's wife to comment.

"Don't look at me", she said, "He fixes his own lunch".
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband.

"Now I guess he'll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air"

"Why?" asks her friend "Don't you have a vase?"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Results 1 - 7 of 7
Your search returned one page of results