I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, "ribbit ... 9 iron."
I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, "ribbit 9 iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.
Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "ribbit 3 wood."
I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "ok where to next?"
The frog replies, "ribbit las vegas".
We went to las vegas and said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "ribbit roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck.
Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"
Jokes tagged help
When my wife and I decided to get married we'd been going out for a few years. We really loved each other and we wanted everything to be perfect... and pretty much everything was, except that one thing had been bothering me. Her sister was a babe and many times I visited, she would flirt with me, bending over in front of me, things I didn't want to acknowledge.
Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.
I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Well a couple of nights before the wedding, she called me over to help her with some boxes. She was moving out of her apartment. When I arrived, I found her alone on the couch wearing decidedly little. I was shocked and she explained to me that she'd always wanted me and that it was her final opportunity, as these were my last few days as a bachelor. Well, I didn't know what to do. She told me she would go upstairs and wait and if I wanted to, I could follow her, but if I didn't, I could just leave.
I waited for a moment and then went outside only to find her dad almost in tears with joy saying he knew now that I was really the right man and that I had his blessing to marry his daughter. This was a test to see just how loyal I was!
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
Jesus has been crucifixed and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them a wish before he ascends into heaven.
The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says "Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool".
Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water.
He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the better. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go.
Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water.
But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can't help asking why Jesus can't repeat the miracle. "Oh, I can", Jesus insists, "at least I could before I had these bloody holes in my feet".
The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says "Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool".
Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water.
He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the better. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go.
Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water.
But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can't help asking why Jesus can't repeat the miracle. "Oh, I can", Jesus insists, "at least I could before I had these bloody holes in my feet".
A Bostoner is visiting Austin, admiring a large bronze statue. One of the locals approaches and says, "This here's a Texas Ranger."
The Bostoner says, "We have a statue like this in my hometown, a statue of Paul Revere."
The Texan thinks about this for a long moment. "Is that that guy who had'ta git help?"
The Bostoner says, "We have a statue like this in my hometown, a statue of Paul Revere."
The Texan thinks about this for a long moment. "Is that that guy who had'ta git help?"
"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"
"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'
"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'
"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"