Jokes tagged god

Results 11 - 18 of 18
Page: 1 2

Two men are standing on a golf course. The first one steps up, tees his first ball, and positions himself for a swing. The man lifts his club, swings smoothly down and smacks the ball into the air. It sails off in a nice, long arc, but as it comes down the two men can see that it's heading straight for the water trap.

Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.

When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.

The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?"
  • Currently 3.66667/5 Stars.
Sonny was late for a very important meeting, circling around looking for a parking spot. "Please God" he says, "if you find me a spot, I promise to come to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life!". Almost immediately a spot opens up, and as he drives into it he again lifts his eyes heavenwards and says: "Never mind, I found one myself..."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: god eyes
Watson arrives back at 221b Baker St., to find Sherlock Holmes bent over his desk, with his trousers round his ankles and a citrus fruit up his arse.

"My god man!" bellows Watson, "whatever's going on?"

"Ah," says Holmes, "a lemon-entry, my dear Watson"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
So these two Cesium atoms are walking down the street. Says the first Cesium atom, "oh my god! I think I'm missing an electron". Says the second, "are you sure?" Says the first, "I'm positive".
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: god
What's the difference between God and a medical school graduate?

God doesn't think he's a doctor.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A woman is in the maternity ward, having just given birth to her baby. The doctor comes in, cradling the child in his arms. As he is about to give it to the woman, he drops it on the ground, kicks it into the wall then throws it out the window.

"OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!?!?!"

The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."
  • Currently 3.66667/5 Stars.
God asks asks Adam how he's doing, - "Well, it's ok but I am abit lonely". - "Ok" God answers. - "Let's do something about it. I can give you the most wonderful and satisfactory being and friend you'll ever need you'll never be lonely again, and you'll have everything you ever need". - "But it meens I need your arm and leg to create that beeing". Adam ponders and isn't willing to sacrifice his arm and leg. -"Ok" God says again. -"With only your leg, I can make a nice and welcoming partner for you, giving you no grief only happiness" Adam ponders again - he is rather lonly but really wants his leg. "What can I get for one of my rib bones ?" Adam finally replies.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: god friend
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
  • Currently 2.8/5 Stars.
Results 11 - 18 of 18
Page: 1 2