Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit afire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have yourkayak and heat it too.
Jokes tagged fire
Did you hear about the human cannonball? First day on the job, he was fired.
Why do ducks have flat webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.
To stomp out forest fires.
Why do ducks have big flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
To stamp out forest fires.
A guy spent five years traveling all around the world making adocumentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he had every singlenative dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film -- or so hethought. He wound up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he popped into apub for a well earned beer.He got talking to one of the local Aborigines and told him about hisproject. The Aborigine asked the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance."Butcher Dance?" he said, confused. "What's that?""What? You didn't see the Butcher Dance?""No, I've never heard of it.""Mate, you're crazy," the Aborigine replied. "How can you say you filmedevery native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?""Umm. I got a Corroborree on film just the other week. Is that what youmean?""No, no. The Butcher Dance is much more important than the Corroborree.""Oh," the man said, his curiosity piqued. "Well how can I see this ButcherDance then?""Mate, the Butcher Dance is way out in the wilderness. It'll take you manydays of travel to go see it.""Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepestdarkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances.Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance.""Ok, mate," the Aborigine replied, shrugging. "You drive north along thehighway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you'll see a dirt trackveer off to left. Follow the dirt track for 126 miles till you see big hugedead gum tree -- the biggest tree you've ever seen. Here you gotta leave car,because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due westinto the setting sun. Walk three days till you hit a creek. You follow thiscreek to the northwest. After two days you'll find where the creek flows out ofsome rocky mountains, but it's much too difficult to cross the mountains there,though. So you head south for half day until you see a pass through mountains.The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. It'll take you two, maybethree days to get through it. On the other side, head northwest for fourdays until you reach a big huge rock -- twenty feet high and shaped like a man'shead. From the rock, walk due west for two days, and then you'll find thevillage. You'll be able to see the Butcher Dance there."So the guy grabbed his camera crew and equipment and headed out. After acouple of hours, he found the dirt track. The track was in a shocking state,and he was forced to crawl along at a snail's pace, and so he didn't reach thetree until dusk, where he was forced to set up camp for the night.He set out bright and early the following morning. His spirits were high,and he was excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysteriousdance that he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions hehad been given, he reached the creek after three days and followed it foranother two, until he reached the rocky mountains.The merciless sun was starting to take its toll, and the spirits of bothhimself and his crew were starting to flag; but wearily they trudged on,finally finding the pass through the mountains. Nothing would prevent him fromcompleting his life's dream. The mountains proved to be every bit astreacherous as their guide had said, and at times they despaired of evergetting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days ofback breaking effort, they finally forced their way clear and continued theirlong trek.When they reached the huge rock, four days later, their water was running low,and their feet were covered with blisters, but they steeled themselves andheaded out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtuallystaggered into the village. To their relief, the natives welcomed them andfed them and gave them fresh water, and they began to feel like new men. Oncehe recovered enough, the guy went before the village chief and told him thathe came to film their Butcher Dance."Oh mate," he said. "Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. Youtoo late. You miss dance.""Well, when do you hold the next dance?""Not till next year.""Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dancefor me tonight?""No, no, no!" the chief exclaimed. "Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once ayear. You want see Butcher Dance, you come back next year."Understandably, the guy was devastated, but he had no other option but tohead back to civilization and back home.The following year, he headed back to Australia and, determined not to missout again, set out a week earlier than before. He was quite willing tospend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensurehe was present to witness it.But right from the start, things went wrong. Heavy rains that yearturned the dirt track to mud, and the car got bogged down every few miles.Finally they had to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud onfoot almost half the distance to the tree. They reached the creek and themountains without any further problems, but halfway through the mountain pass,they were struck by a fierce storm that raged for several days, during whichthey were forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until itsubsided.Then, before they had traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of thecrew sprained his ankle badly, slowing down the rest of their journeygreatly. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they had been traveling,they staggered into the village right at noon."The Butcher Dance!" the man gasped. "Please don't tell me I'm too late tosee it!"The chief recognized him and said, "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performedtonight. You come just in time."Relieved beyond measure, the crew spent the rest of the afternoon settingup their equipment and preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. Asdusk fell, the natives started to cover their bodies in white paint and adornthemselves in all manner of birds' feathers and animal skins. Once darknesshad settled fully over the land, the natives formed a circle around a hugeroaring fire. A deathly hush descended over performers and spectators alikeas a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entirebody entered the circle and began to chant."What's he doing?" the man whispered to the chief."Hush," the chief whispered back. "You first white man ever to see mostsacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spiritsof the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through ourdance, and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watchover us and protect us for another year."The chanting of the holy man reached a stunning crescendo before he removedhimself from the circle. The rhythmic pounding of drums boomedout across the land, and the natives began to sway to the stirring rhythm.The guy became caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This wasit. He realized beyond all doubt that his wait had not been in vain. Hewas about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement everconceived by mankind.The chief strode to his position in the circle and, in a big boomingvoice, started to sing: "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right armout. You butch yer right arm in, and you shake it all about...."
Why was the firewood punished?
It was knotty.
It was knotty.
Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed onevery level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the buildingneeded to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level:level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40.One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office.He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared histhroat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building hadever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off.The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself,when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!"John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss lookedat him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptiveto the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1,level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8,level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16,level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24,level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32,level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, andlevel 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that jokewas funny on so many levels."
What did Carlos the fireman name his twin newborn sons?
Jose and Hose B.
Jose and Hose B.
confluence 42 points 21 hours ago
A Polish farmer is ploughing his field when he hits an obstruction in the soil - a dirty old lamp. He picks it up and rubs it to clean it off, and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.
"Thank goodness you found my lamp I was getting bored," says the Genie. "I will grant you any three wishes you desire."
The farmer thinks and thinks and finally says: "I want the Mongols to invade Poland... and then go home."
The genie looks confused, but he shrugs, and snaps his fingers, and the Mongols invade. They rampage through the country, looting and pillaging... and then they go home.
"OK," says the genie, "that was your first wish. What else do you want?"
"I want the Mongols to invade Poland again... and then go home."
The genie sighs. "Fine, it's your wish, I guess." He snaps his fingers again, and the Mongols return. They set the farmhouse on fire, and steal the chickens, and then they go home.
"And what is your final wish?" asks the genie.
"I want the Mongols to invade Poland again, and then go home," says the farmer without hesitation.
So the Mongols invade once again, and steal everything that isn't nailed down. They steal the farmer's old wife, and his plough, and rough him up a bit, and then they leave.
As they are both standing in the smoking, ransacked ruins of the farmhouse, the genie says: "OK, I have to know. What the hell was that about? You could have wished for anything in the whole world, and you had the Mongols invade your own country three times, and totally destroy it. Why?!"
The farmer looks very pleased with himself. "Well, you see, in order to invade us three times and go home, they had to go through Russia six times!"
Spanish fireman has twin boys, he names them Jose and Hose B