Jokes tagged face

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What kind of flower grows on your face?
Tulips.
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tags: face
Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn'tknow what to name them. The husband said, "Let's just wait. If we waitlong enough, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks,they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, oneboy would face the sea, and the other would face inland."Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman, and his wifeagreed.Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, "It's timethat you learned how to make a living from the sea." The fisherman andhis sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. Atthe voyage's end, the fisherman returned alone."What happened?" his wife cried."We were barely one day out to sea," the fisherman explained solemnly,"when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fishwas great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yeteventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulledover the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of themagain.""Oh dear!" the wife cried. "What a huge fish that must havebeen! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!""Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
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The editors of Webster's Dictionary met to decide how to abridge the newedition. "We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more.They've got to go," said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact thatwe can't have archaic and edit too."
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tags: face
An elderly couple were walking about the streets of their home, Moscow.They each feel drops of moisture on their faces. The man says that it issnowing, but his wife is convinced that it's raining. Finally, they seeGeneral Rudolph walking by, and the woman calls him over to settle the dispute.The general says it's definitely rain. The man doesn't believe him. Sighing,his wife tells him, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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tags: woman red face wife
At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".
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tags: drink face german
Part 1:

One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.

For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."

Part 2:

Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."
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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
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