Jokes tagged dying

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Why do people keep building so many new mausoleums?
Because people are dying to get in.
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tags: dying people
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes tothe monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do youthink I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed himdinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears astrange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, butthey say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointedbut thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears thesame strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, heasks what it was, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not amonk."The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the onlyway I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I becomea monk?"The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how manyblades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When youfind these numbers, you will become a monk."The man sets about his task.Forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.He says, "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for.There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sandpebbles on the earth."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now amonk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks lead the man toa wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind thatdoor."The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Realfunny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens thedoor. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demandsthe key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, onlyto find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, whoprovide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. Soit went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, andamethyst.Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, andbehind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.But I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
What did the moron do when he thought he might be dying?
He went into the living room!
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: dying
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
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