Jokes tagged drink

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A guy walked into a bar with his giraffe. He ordered a drink, and the giraffelay down beside him. The bartender barked angrily, "Excuse me, but you can'tleave that lying there!""Err," the man said, "It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnutdaiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and wouldalways have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnutextract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took asip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!""No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
This disheveled-looking guy walks into a bar. He sits down and orders astiff drink. The bartender says, "What's eating you?"The guy says, "My wife left me this morning, I got laid off this afternoon,my car got wrecked earlier tonight, and my dog died in the vet's office."The bartender says, "Wow! I forgot the punchline!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass afterdrinking too much. Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made ofhimself.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: drink
Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns?
To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: humor drink
An orchestra is playing Beethoven's 9th Symphony. There is a passage in themiddle when, for about 20 minutes, the bass violinists have nothing to do.So they decide to slip out to a bar and drink a few beers. After a while onesays, "Hey, we better get going."But another says, "No, wait. I tied several pages of the conductor's sheet musictogether, so we'll have a couple of extra minutes while he sorts it out."So they stay for another round. Finally when they go staggering back to theirplaces. It was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, and the bassistswere loaded.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: drink
A man walks into a bar with a head under his arm, he sits down at the bar and places the head on the table.

"Can I have a beer for me and my son please?" The barman looks a bit puzzled but gives them both a drink.

The man tilts the boy's head back and pours the drink down his throat. Suddenly like magic the boy grows a torso.

"Wow, I am amazed I have never seen that before", said the barman. "I'll give him a drink on the house." he added.

The man again pours the drink down his throat and bam, the boy grows an arm. The people at the bar are so amazed by this they keep on buying the boy a drink until finally he has a full body.

"Right dad, I've had enough, meet you back home." At this the boy opened the door, stepped outside and got run over by a bus.

The barman is distraught, "I am so sorry, if I knew that was going to happen I would have never bought him that drink. "Don't worry," the man said "he should of quit while he was ahead."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
What does a vampire with a weight problem drink?

Blood light
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
So all the possible functions are having a party. They're drinking, dancing, chatting each other up, and generally having a great time. Somewhere off in an n-dimensional corner, e^x is sitting all by his lonesome. A group of expenential functions is standing nearby. So 2^x comes up to e^x and says "Come on, man, don't sulk like that, integrate yourself with the rest of us", to which e^x replies "What for, it wakes no difference??"
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
tags: drink
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
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