Jokes tagged black

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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!""Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
  • Currently 3.81818/5 Stars.
What would happen if black widow spiders were as big as horses?
If one bit you, you could ride it to the hospital.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: horse black
What's black, highly dangerous, and lives in a tree?
A crow with a machine gun.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: black tree
What is blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, black, brown, and gray?
A box of crayons.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
This guy's walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night.There isn't another soul on the street. Suddenly, from out of the gloom,comes an ominous bump...bump...bump. He looks behind him and spots afurtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him. Unnerved, he picksup his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run. He looks behind himagain, and the shadow is closer. Bump...bump...bump. The glow of astreetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man's horror, itis a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk. He quickens his pace, running asfast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP! He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for hiskeys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps. Heslams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.Bump...bump...bump. There is a moment's silence, and the man wondersif he dares to breathe. Suddenly.... Bump...bump...bump...Bump...BUMP!BUMP! BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!! He rebounds away as the door breaks offits hinges. Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffinraces after. BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP! Terrified, he backs into a cornerand starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin -- a handful ofpapers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp -- but the coffin keeps coming!BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin,too!The coffin stops.
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
tags: cat mom stop black
As I rowed my little boatToward the river shore,A small black bird kept me from landing,Quoth the raven, "never moor."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: black
A rich business man wakes up one morning to hear the voice of God in his head. "I WANT YOU TO SELL EVERYTHING YOU HAVE" boomed the celestial voice. The business man feels that God must have some purpose for him in life so he gets on the phone and sells all his property, his cars, his business. No sooner has he cashed the check for all he had sold than God speaks to him again. “I WANT YOU TO GO TO LAS VEGAS AND PLACE ALL YOUR MONEY ON ONE HAND OF BLACKJACK”. The business man hops on a plane and lands in Las Vegas, walks into a casino, goes up to a black jack table and places his many millions on one hand. He is shaking as the dealer deals his hand, but it’s an 18 and he begins to feel a bit better. But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man’s hand is shaking as he motions to the dealer to hit him. She turns over the card and it’s an ace! He is only up to 19 and still safe! But again God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The business man can’t believe it but he figures God must have some sort of plan for him. Sweat is dripping onto the table as he leans over and asks the dealer to hit him again. He can barely watch as the dealer turns over the card and again it’s an ace! He can’t believe it, two aces in a row! But God says “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man begins to protest, the chances of him going bust and losing everything were too high, but God says, sharplike, “JUST TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” The man can’t see what God is planning for him but he goes ahead with it, fully convinced he’s about to loose everything. His hands are shaking and he can feel an odd tightness in his chest as the dealer gets ready to turn over the card. It seems to take eternity for her to turn it over but when she does he can see it’s a third ace! And God says “UN-FUKIN-BELIEVABLE!!”
  • Currently 5/5 Stars.
tags: god black
One day a guy is sitting in his office when he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Go to Las Vegas." He thinks nothing of it until the next day when he hears the voice again, "Go to Las Vegas." He continues to ignore the voice, but it comes back every hour, then every minute, and by the end of the day he can't take it any more. Finally he gives in, fills up his gas tank and drives to Las Vegas.

The moment he arrives, he hears the voice again, only this time it says, "Go to a casino." Beginning to think that maybe the voice is leading him to something wonderful, he goes to the first casino he can find. As soon as he walks through the front doors of the casino, the voice is back, and says, "Go to the roulette table." So the guy makes his way to the roulette table as quickly as possible. By now the anticipation is getting him very excited. As he approaches the roulette table, the voice says, "Bet everything you have on 24 black." The guy pushes his way to the front, and throws all he has on the table and shouts, "Let it all ride on 24 black!!" The dealer spins the wheel, drops in the ball, and around it goes... Finally the wheel comes to a stop. The dealer calls out, "14 Red." The voice says, "Shit!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: mom red stop black
I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing. I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I thought nothing of it and was about to swing when I heard, "ribbit ... 9 iron."

I looked around and didn't see anyone. Again, I heard, "ribbit 9 iron." I looked at the frog and decided to prove the frog wrong, put the club away, and grabbed a 9 iron.

Boom! I hit it 10 inches from the cup. I was shocked. I said to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "ribbit lucky frog." so I decided to take the frog with him me the next hole. "What do you think frog?" I asked. "ribbit 3 wood."

I took out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. I was befuddled and didn't know what to say. by the end of the day, i golfed the best game of golf in my life and asked the frog, "ok where to next?"

The frog replies, "ribbit las vegas".

We went to las vegas and said, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "ribbit roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, I asked, "what do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game I figured what the heck.

Boom! tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

I took my winnings and bought the best room in the hotel. I sat the frog down and said, "frog, I don't know how to repay you. you've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "ribbit kiss me." I figured why not, since after all the frog did for me, he deserves it. with a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous and well-developped 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God"
  • Currently 2.5/5 Stars.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

You already told her twice! What makes you think anything else will work?
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: woman black eyes
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