Jokes tagged bear

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Why did the bear run around his bed?
He wanted to catch up on his sleep.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: cat bear bed

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a brandy.........................................................................................................

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.......... and coke." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear responds, "I dunno... I've always had them."
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
tags: bartender bear
Three men were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico when one of them pulled in ahuge fish. But as soon as it was in the boat, the fish shook thehook out of its mouth and changed into an angry, bearded man wearing a crownand brandishing a three-pronged spear."Who are you, sir?" quavered one of the fishermen."I am Neptune, god of the sea, and I am going to put a curse on you!Before you get home, your boat will spring a dozen leaks -- nay, make thata dozen and a half, for good measure!"With a nasty laugh, Neptune dived over the side and disappeared. Thefishermen's boat got so many holes they had to swim ashore, and fromthat day to this, they have never forgotten Neptune's eighteen holegulf curse.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: god bear fish
A group of friars lived in a monastery. As with many monasteries, the friarsfound it necessary to run a small business to support themselves. They ran afloral shop. One day one of the friars brought in an exquisite find: a Venusfly trap. It was such a cute thing, they couldn't bear to sell it, so theyjust kept it on display. But after a while, it grew so big that flies were nolonger enough to satisfy it. It ate cockroaches, but it kept growing. Itate mice, but it still kept growing. It ate chipmunks, squirrels, cats, thenraccoons and dogs and ponies. Finally the villagers got wise to this andattempted to put a stop to it. But try as they might, no one could. One wayor another, the friars outsmarted the townsfolk and raided their farms oflarge animals. Finally the villagers pooled their money and hired aprofessional named Hugh to come in and capture the friars. Hugh stormed themonastery, destroyed the fly trap, captured the friars, and turned them overto the police. The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent floristfriars.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their wholelives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned theirrespective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study thesewondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediatelyflew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the localranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it wasmuch too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that thiswas their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and theCzech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the twoscientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists'camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found thefemale and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eatenthe scientists, because they feared an international incident.They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough,found the remains of the Russian.One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don'tyou?""Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: bear animals
Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: bear foot
so a polar bear walks into a bar and says: "i'd like a...................................... beer."



and the bartender says: "hey man, what's with the big pause?"
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: bartender bear
How do you catch a polar bear?



First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.
  • Currently 3.25/5 Stars.
tags: cat bear green
Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump. Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?" So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
  • Currently 3.6/5 Stars.
tags: bear stick rabbit
Two friends are hiking in the mountains when they stumble across a grizzly bear. The bear rears up on its hind legs and roars at them, displaying all of the signs of aggression. They both know they're in real trouble.

One of the men sits down calmly, takes off his hiking boots, and pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack.

"What are you doing?" screams his friend. "You can't outrun a bear!"

"I don't have to", he says while tying his shoes. "I just have to outrun you."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: bear friend
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