Jokes tagged bartender

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A byte walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks.

The bartender asks, "Rough day?".

"parity error" replies the byte.

"Yeah, you looked a bit off..."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: bartender
The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"
  • Currently 2/5 Stars.
A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
Two strings walk into a bar. As they step up the bartender asks, "What can I get you?"

The first string replies "Hey, I'll have a beer."

The bartender turns to the second string and asks, "How about you?"

To this the second string says, "Yeah, I'll have a beer too000LED Technologies Inc. V1.01         } !1AQa"q2#BR$3br %&'()456789:CDEFGHIJSTUVWXYZcdefghijstuvwxyz aq"2B#3Rbr$4%&'()56789:CDEFGHIJSTUVWXYZcdefghijstuvwxyz "X    ? ( 5m+BT=?G-:嶟am>}ܑq4Q.TQ`xs ?~9 ] ڿ ? ^ 殀m  U@xw ?~:?j Wg > xs @<9cT6kz՗0xccD0FŤL*#(kM[ 7 AyNϵM.gپϟIy C[> z8{?no&ㄚkRƟjO#Jmcawg! (P** k%z汯n^kzurK2[Gq}<%<# 4e =J 1~7md狼Qn[=մY.(^K{ {TXcRp H i5u m.MSOwMoK6."

At this point the first string turns to the bartender and says, "You'll have to excuse my friend. He isn't null terminated."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives it to him and he slams in down in one gulp.

"What do I owe ya?" asks the neutron.

"For you? No charge."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A duck walks into a bar. He hops up on a stool and asks a bartender "got any grapes?". The bartender replies "no, this is a bar. We don't have grapes here". The duck leaves. The next day he comes in to the same bar, hops up on the same stool and says "got any grapes?" the bartender angrily replies "NO! we don't have any grapes. I told you yesterday that this is a bar, now if you ask me one more time I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor". The duck leaves. The next day the duck returns and hops up on the same stool. The duck asks "got any nails?" The bartender, puzzled says "no, why?" the duck replies "got any grapes?"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Every day, the good doctor stops by the local bar and orders a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home from the office. Before long, the bartender expects his visits and has the daiquiri waiting upon the doctor's arrival.

One day, the bartender begins to prepare the doctor's daily daiquiri but realizes he's all out of hazelnut. In a pinch, he opts to use hickory instead.

The doctor arrives, takes a sip of his drink, and says to the bartender, "Hey, this isn't a hazelnut daiquiri." The bartender nods and replies, "You're right. It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sips it for a while, and when he is finished, the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not", and disappears.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey pirate, do you know you've got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?" The pirate says "Arrrh, I know, it's drivin me nuts"
  • Currently 4.3/5 Stars.
A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "give me a drink." The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve bears." The bear says, "well, give me a drink or I'll eat that woman at the other end of the bar." The bartender says, "psh, go ahead." So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve bears on drugs." The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, "what? I'm not on drugs." And the bartender says, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate"
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
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