Latest jokes [101-126] of 963

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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives it to him and he slams in down in one gulp.

"What do I owe ya?" asks the neutron.

"For you? No charge."
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Q:Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?

A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.
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tags: german paris tree
Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

A: Nobody knows, it's never been tried.
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tags: french paris
Q:Why are the avenues in Paris lined with trees?

A:Because Germans like to march in the shade.
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tags: german paris tree
Q: Where does a General keep his armies?

A: In his sleevies.
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tags: n/a
A baby seal walks into a club....
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tags: baby seal
Q: Knock knock.

A: Who's there?

Q: Control freak. Okay, now, you say, "Control freak who?"
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tags: knock
Heard about the new low fat comminion wafer? it's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
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tags: jesus fat
Three construction workers (an Italian, a Mexican, and a Redneck) were sitting on a steel beam at the top of a skyscraper they were building. It was lunchtime. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and sees that he has spaghetti and meatballs.

"Son of a bitch", he says, "spaghetti and meatballs again. Everyday it's spaghetti and meatballs. I swear if I get spaghetti and meatballs again tomorrow I'm going to commit suicide by jumping off this building".

The Mexican worker opens up his lunch box and sees a burrito. "Damnit", he says, "another damn burrito, I'm so tired of burritos, If I have to eat a burrito again tomorrow I'm going to jump off of this building and commit suicide".

The Redneck worker opens his lunch box and sees a bologna sandwich. "Shit!!!, another damn bologna sandwich. If I get another bologna sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to commit suicide".

The next day during lunch hour, they are sitting on the same steel beam. The Italian worker opens his lunch box and finds spaghetti and meatballs. Without saying a word he closes the box and throws himself off of the beam and drops twenty floors to his death. The Mexican worker opens his box, finds a burrito, closes the box and jumps to his death. The Redneck worker opens his box and finds a bologna sandwich, closes the box and jumps to his death.

A couple of days later the families of all three workers meet at the cemetery just after the funerals. The Italian worker's wife was crying.

"Oh, if only I had known how he felt about the spaghetti and meatballs, I could have fixed him a muffalotta, and he would still be here today.

The Mexican worker's wife said "I could have fixed my husband a taco or an enchilada, and he would be here with me today".

There was a moment of silence while everybody was waiting for the Redneck worker's wife to comment.

"Don't look at me", she said, "He fixes his own lunch".
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A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the Bar Tender here?"
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tags: n/a
Guy walks into a petshop and sees three parrots, priced $500.-, $1,500.-, $2,500.- and $30,000.-, so he asks the owner, "Hey why are those parrots so expensive ?"

"Well," says the owner, "that first one can speak english, german and mandarin perfectly and translates any sentence you desire, from one language into another."

"What about the second one ?"

"Well, that parrot not only knows four languages, but can also type business letters using a computer"

"And the third one ?"

"Oh, that one can speak seven languages, use the computer, e-mail, internet and does online research for you."

"Amazing ! And what about the last one ?", says the guy.

"Oh ! ... that one doesn't do anything at all. Just sits there all day long."

"Then why is it so expensive ?!?!?!"

The owner takes the guy to the side and whispers, "Well, I haven't seen it do anything, but the other three parrots call it BOSS".
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Two strings walk into a bar. As they step up the bartender asks, "What can I get you?"

The first string replies "Hey, I'll have a beer."

The bartender turns to the second string and asks, "How about you?"

To this the second string says, "Yeah, I'll have a beer too000LED Technologies Inc. V1.01         } !1AQa"q2#BR$3br %&'()456789:CDEFGHIJSTUVWXYZcdefghijstuvwxyz aq"2B#3Rbr$4%&'()56789:CDEFGHIJSTUVWXYZcdefghijstuvwxyz "X    ? ( 5m+BT=?G-:嶟am>}ܑq4Q.TQ`xs ?~9 ] ڿ ? ^ 殀m  U@xw ?~:?j Wg > xs @<9cT6kz՗0xccD0FŤL*#(kM[ 7 AyNϵM.gپϟIy C[> z8{?no&ㄚkRƟjO#Jmcawg! (P** k%z汯n^kzurK2[Gq}<%<# 4e =J 1~7md狼Qn[=մY.(^K{ {TXcRp H i5u m.MSOwMoK6."

At this point the first string turns to the bartender and says, "You'll have to excuse my friend. He isn't null terminated."
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A penguin takes his car to the shop to have it fixed. While he's waiting, he goes into a cool ice cream shop and eats ice cream. Having flippers instead hands, he gets the ice cream all over himself. He's goes back to the auto shop and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car.

"Well," says the mechanic, "it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replies, "It's just ice cream, I swear!!"
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tags: car penguin seal
The Compassionate Lawyer

A lawyer was being driven around town in his limo when he saw 2 men on the side of the road eating grass.

Moved, the lawyer tells his driver to stop and gets out to talk to the men.

"What is going on? Why are you eating grass?" he asks the men.

"We are very poor me, sir", the first responds, "this is all we have."

"Well, come with me" insists the lawyer.

"But sir, I have a wife and three kids! My friend here, he was a wife and four kids!"

"We will go get them as well" declares the lawyer.

An hour later they are all driving in the limo to the lawyers estate.

"Sir, I don't know how to thank you enough!"

"Oh, it is no problem. The grass at my house has to be at least a foot tall!"
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A traveling salesman is driving down a country road when he comes across a farmer who is standing in his orchard, hoisting pigs into the apple trees with ropes. He stops. "What are you doing?" the salesman asks. "I'm feeding the pigs," answers the farmer, incredulous that someone could ask a question with such an obvious answer. "Well," says the salesman, "why don't you let the apples fall to the ground, gather them up in baskets, and feed the pigs that way?" The farmer ponders, then says, "Hmmmm. Yes, I guess I could do it that way. But what would be the point?" The salesman is a bit exasperated: "Well, it would save time, wouldn't it?" The farmer ponders again. "Yes," he says after a pause, "I guess it would save time. But what's time to a pig?"
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A priest, a rabbi and a minister are fishing in a canoe on a lake. The priest says "I'm gonna get some beer", steps out of the canoe on to the water and walks to shore. A short time later he walks back, with a 6 pack. The minister cannot beleive his eyes.

After some beer, the rabbi says "I need to take a leak". He stands up, steps onto the water and walks to shore, uses the bathroom by the docks, and walks back. The minister is mad with curiousity, but doesn't want the others to know that he's not holy enough to walk on the water.

Well, the minister decides to try it himself. He announces "I'm going to get some sandwhiches!", and steps off the boat. SPLASH!!!

The priest turns to the rabbi and says: "I guess we should have told him about those stepping-stones!"
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Jesus has been crucifixed and reappears to his disciples. He tells them that he will grant them a wish before he ascends into heaven.

The disciples get together and confer. After much arguing Peter says "Could you do that walking on water thing again? It was so cool".

Jesus smiles, agrees and the next day they set out onto the sea of Gallilee in Peter's boat. They stop far from the shore and Jesus steps off the side of the boat onto the water.

He immediately disappears under the surface and the disciples rush to drag him back into the better. Jesus looks flustered, but vows to have a second go.

Once again he steps off the boat and sinks quickly below the surface. The disciples drag him back and apologize for having asked him to walk on water.

But Peter begins to doubt in the Messiah and can't help asking why Jesus can't repeat the miracle. "Oh, I can", Jesus insists, "at least I could before I had these bloody holes in my feet".
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So im laying in bed with my girlfriend the other night and she looks over at me and says "Honey, you know, you're a pedophile."

I look back and her and say "That's an aweful big word for an 8 year old!"
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tags: girlfriend bed
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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An old man is sitting on his front porch at 6:00 am watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back, "A roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."
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A scotsman, an englishman and an irishman walk into a bar and the bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of a joke?"
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An American business man takes a short business trip to Japan. He arrives on a Sunday night, with meetings on that Tuesday. Since he is in a foreign land, and is bored with nothing to do, he calls up a prostitute service. A Japanese woman arrives at the door with in the hour, and the two proceed to have sex with eachother. The woman is on top, and the entire time all she says is "hoshimoto." The man doesn't know what to think, since he doesn't understand what she's saying, but the woman appears to be having a good time, so they continue. After the climax, the man pays the woman and she leaves. The next day, the American decides to play golf with some of the Japanese people he will be meeting with the next day. The round is relatively standard except for the 18th hole. When it is the American man's turn to drive, he hits a hole in one. All the Japanese people start yelling in celebration, and the American doesn't know what to say, so he says the first Japanese word that pops into his head, "hoshimoto." One of the Japanese business men looks at him, and in a thick accent says: "What do you mean, 'wrong hole?'"
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The new guy in town decided to take a few minutes and head down to the local pub to try to meet some people. He stumbled in at about 7 PM and sat down at the bar to order his first drink.

One of the regulars sitting at the pool table got up and came over to start up a conversation. He says, "hey, I bet you 5 dollars I can lick my eye". The new guy was a little put-off by this introduction, but it was early in the evening so he took the bet. Sure enough, the regular had a glass eye, popped it out, licked it, and put in place.

A funny enough parlor joke, he handed the man 5 dollars and went back to drinking. A few minutes later he returned, this time saying "I bet you 5 dollars I can touch my elbow to the back of my head." Desparate for any attention, the new guy handed over another 5 dollars and watched as the regular popped his shoulder out of joint and touched the back of his head.

Deciding he had already duped the new guy out of $10, the regular headed back over the pool table for the next few hours. As the bartender began to close up shop, he returned for one last wager. "hey, I bet you $100 I can piss on the celing". The new guy looked up at the vaulted ceiling which was eaily 30 feet above and was convince he would soon win his money back and a nights worth of drinking.

The regular pulled it out but didnt even come close, pissing on the bar and the local guy. "Ha! I won all my money back! That was a stupid bet!"

The regular retorted, "yeah, but I bet the guys over there $500 I could piss on you and make you laugh!"
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A byte walks into a bar and orders a scotch on the rocks.

The bartender asks, "Rough day?".

"parity error" replies the byte.

"Yeah, you looked a bit off..."
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tags: bartender
Two brothers are separated at birth, one going to live in the big city and the other on a farm in the coutry. Eventually, the two learn of each other and there's a happy reunion on the country brother's farm. Having never been to a farm before, the city brother asks for a tour. The farmer shows him the cows, the barn, horses, and the corn fields before coming to the pig sty, where he proudly introduces his prized possesion: a three-legged sow.

"That sow is finest animal to ever live," proclaimed the farmer, "She saved my three children from the barn when it was burning down."

"When I fell from the tree over yonder, she ran all the way to town and fetched the doctor," he continued.

"And, when my wife went into labor in the middle of the night, she delivered my yongest son!"

Amazed, the city brother remarked, "that's quite a pig. But, what happened to her that she only has three legs?"

"Well, hell," said the farmer, "be a damn shame, eat a pig like that all at once."
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