Latest jokes [76-101] of 963

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Rabbit is hopping along the forest one day, when he comes upon Bear taking a dump. Bear says, "Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" Rabbit replies, "No Bear, I don't. Why do you ask?" So Bear grabs Rabbit and wipes his ass with him.
  • Currently 3.6/5 Stars.
tags: bear stick rabbit
Two cows are standing on top of a hill. One cow turns to the other cow and says: "Are you worried about mad cow disease?"

The other cow looks puzzled: "Why? I'm a helicopter."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: cow helicopter
Guy walks into a bar and catches the barman's eye.

"Double whisky!" he shouts. The barman pours it, serves it and GULP, the guy knocks it back in one go.

"Are you alright, mate?" asks the barman.

"Sure," says the guy, "I'm celebrating - another double whisky!" Barman serves it, guy grabs it and downs it in one again.

"What are you celebrating?" asks the barman.

"Aaaaahhhh," says the guy "can't tell you - it's a secret. Another double whisky!". The barman serves it to him, the guy grabs it and downs it in one.

"Come on," says the barman, "you'll be pissed in a minute and tell me anyway - what're you celebrating?"

"Oh all right," says the guy, looking around furtively, "first blowjob!"

"Ohhhhhh, well done my son!" beams the barman, "here, have one on me!"

The guy peers at the drink, thinks, sniffs. "No thanks", he says, "if three won't get rid of the taste, nothing
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Q. What do accountants use for birth-control? A. Their personalities.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
In the middle of the forest, a turtle and a snail have a gruesome head-on collision. The snail is rushed to the emergency room, where a doctor asks what happened. On the edge of consciousness, the snail responds, 'I don't know, Doc. It all happened so fast.'
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
"Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna see grandma!"

"Shut up and keep digging!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: mom grandma
If I were to ask you to dance naked for me, would your answer be the same as to this question?
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: naked dance
So these two Cesium atoms are walking down the street. Says the first Cesium atom, "oh my god! I think I'm missing an electron". Says the second, "are you sure?" Says the first, "I'm positive".
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: god
What's the difference between a Mercedes and a bunch of dead babies?

I don't have a Mercedes in my garage.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: dead babies
Southern cop to Yankee speeder, whom he has just pulled over: "Little lady, nobody goes through Georgia that fast."

Speeder: "Sherman did."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
General Sherman is marching through the South, and passes Stone Mountain in Georgia. On top is a lone rebel, hurling insults down on the Yankees.

Sherman sends ten men up to deal with the rebel. Twenty minutes pass, the men don't return, and the rebel appears again on top of the mountain, yelling insults.

Sherman sends a hundred men up to deal with the rebel. Twenty minutes pass, the men don't return, and the rebel appears again on top of the mountain, yelling insults.

Finally, Sherman sends a thousand men up to deal with the rebel. Twenty minutes pass, a one wounded man crawls back down. "General," he gasps, "it's a trap! There's two of 'em!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: trap south
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband.

"Now I guess he'll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air"

"Why?" asks her friend "Don't you have a vase?"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon are sitting around talking about their families.

The Jewish guy says, "I have four sons. One more boy and I can have a basketball team."

The Catholic says, "Well, I have eight sons one more, and I'll have me a baseball team."

Not to be outdone, the Morman says, "I've got 17 wives. One more hole and I'll have myself a golf course."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
My girlfriend said "I've got an itch between my toes". So I asked "Which toes?". She answers "My big toes".
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Bloke walks up and asks "Do you prefer long legs or short?", so I reply "I prefer something in between"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
A man walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre so the barman gives him one.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
A convent was going to receive a visit by the Pope, so the mother superior wanted to get the place spruced up. She assigned two nuns to repaint the guest bedroom.

"Do a good job," she ordered, "and don't get any paint on your habits."

The nuns decided that the best way to not get paint on their clothes was to work in the nude. They had been painting for a couple of hours when there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" they asked.

"It's the blind man."

They figured that a blind man wouldn't be able to tell that they were naked, so they told him to come on in.

The door opened. "Hey, nice tits! Where do you want these blinds?"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
What has 7 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: arms
A guy goes to the Olympics and sees a man carrying a long pole.

The guy asks - Are you a pole vaulter?

The man replies - No I'm German - how did you know my name is Walter?
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: german
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat miner.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: piano
Watson: From what school did you graduate, Holmes? Holmes: Elementary, my dear Watson, Elementary...
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Watson arrives back at 221b Baker St., to find Sherlock Holmes bent over his desk, with his trousers round his ankles and a citrus fruit up his arse.

"My god man!" bellows Watson, "whatever's going on?"

"Ah," says Holmes, "a lemon-entry, my dear Watson"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Holmes and Watson have come out of a country pub at the end of a long night of quaffing warm ale. As they wander down the road, they can just make out a tree in the darkness and head over to answer the call of nature. As they are mid-flow, Holmes asks Watson what he can deduce from the sound of his stream. Watson replies that he believes the tree to be an oak of between 100-150 years with some disease in the past causing a hollow in the centre. As he expounds further, Holmes cuts him off and snaps, 'From the sound you are making I deduce that you are pissing on my shoes'.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out camping - don't ask me why, probably on the track of some Barkervillian Hounds, or somesuch. In the middle of the night Sherlock rouses Watson and asks, "Watson, what can you deduce from the stars above us this evening?"

Watson replies, "Well, I can deduce a number of things. For example, from their clarity I can deduce that the morn will be clear and sunny. From the position of the constellations I can deduce that it is currently early June. Finally, I can deduce that it is approximately 4:30 in the morning. Why do you ask?"

Sherlock bites off: "Because I simply deduce that someone has stolen our tent!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: watson holmes
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