Latest jokes [51-76] of 963

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God asks asks Adam how he's doing, - "Well, it's ok but I am abit lonely". - "Ok" God answers. - "Let's do something about it. I can give you the most wonderful and satisfactory being and friend you'll ever need you'll never be lonely again, and you'll have everything you ever need". - "But it meens I need your arm and leg to create that beeing". Adam ponders and isn't willing to sacrifice his arm and leg. -"Ok" God says again. -"With only your leg, I can make a nice and welcoming partner for you, giving you no grief only happiness" Adam ponders again - he is rather lonly but really wants his leg. "What can I get for one of my rib bones ?" Adam finally replies.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: god friend
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole are in town for the Olympics, but they don't have tickets. The Englishman suggests a plan: "See that pile of construction material over there? We can take something from there and pretend to be an athlete, and they'll let us in."

The Englishman takes a long pole and carries it to the stadium gate. He tells the ticket taker, "Robertson, England, Pole Vaulting," and he is allowed in.

The Frenchman picks up a hammer and goes to the gate, saying "Danton, France, Hammer Toss." He too is let in.

The Pole grabs a roll of chain-link fence. At the gate, he says, "Koslowski, Poland, Fencing."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: french english
Q: What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?

A: Spitting out the wheelchairs.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: wheelchair
farmer wants to milk a cow in the barn. He puts his stool next to the cow and the bucket below it. As he starts milking the cow kicks the bucket with the left leg. After a while the farmer is pissed off and takes a rope to fix the cow's leg to a pole. Yet before he can start milking again the cow kicks the bucket with its right leg. So the farmer fixes the right leg to another pole. The farmer wants to start milking again, but now the cow is slapping him with its tail. Wanting to fix the tail to a roof beam he puts the stool behind the cow and steps on it. Having no rope left, he takes off his belt to fix the tail. So as he's holding the cows tail in one hand, his belt in the other his pants drop down right before his wife enters staring at him. He just says: "You know, sometimes things are hard to explain"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: cow wife rope
Q. What did one snowman say to the other snowman?

A. "Smells like carrots."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: snowman carrot
There are two types of people in the world: Those that divide everything into two categories, and those that don't.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: cat people
Part 1:

One day a man with no arms showed up at a monastery, asking if there was any work. The monk thought for a while and asked if he could ring the bell in the tower by running into it with his head. The man with no arms thought he could manage that and started his new career.

For several days, the man happily rang the bell. Then one day he slipped, missed the bell, and fell off the tower, plunging to his death. The local constable showed up and asked the monk if he knew the man. The monk said "No, but his face rings a bell."

Part 2:

Same monastery, few months later. A second man with no arms shows up and says he heard the monastery had a job for a guy with no arms (and an opening). The monk explained and the man took the jobs. He also happily rang the bell for a few days before slipping and plunging to his death. The constable showed up and asked if the monk knew the man. The monk said "No, but he's a dead ringer for the last guy."
  • Currently 4.33333/5 Stars.
Q. What is black white red, black white red, black white red, black white red, black white red, black white red, black white red and black white red?
A. A nun with a spear through her rolling down a hill.
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tags: red white black nun
What's black and white and silver and can't turn around in an elevator?

A nun with a harpoon through her head.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: white black nun
Q. What is black and white and screams?
A. A nun falling down a flight of stairs.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: white black nun
A woman is in the maternity ward, having just given birth to her baby. The doctor comes in, cradling the child in his arms. As he is about to give it to the woman, he drops it on the ground, kicks it into the wall then throws it out the window.

"OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!?!?!"

The doctor turns to her, smiles, and says, "April Fools. It was a stillborn."
  • Currently 3.66667/5 Stars.
Q: How many PROLOG programmers are needed to screw in a lightbulb?
A: No.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: prolog
Why does iranian president ahmadinejad part his hair down in the middle?

To segregate the male from the female lice.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: iran
On Christmas morning two children are opening their presents. The younger gets a toy plane, remote control tank, a BB gun, two new bikes, and a XBOX 360. The older gets a sweater and a book. The younger begins to taunt the older brother saying "Look, I got way more presents than you."

The older replies, "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't have cancer!"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: brother cancer
Q: What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an orang-utan? A: a f*ing ugly orang-utan
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: ugly
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...

After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: woman bear bed
What's the difference between Jesus and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: paint jesus
What is the difference between Jesus and a Mexican?

Jesus wouldn't get a tattoo of a mexican.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: mexican jesus
What has 2 eyes, 2 belly buttons and 2 legs?

2 pirates.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: pirate eyes belly
So a guy calls into work and says, "I can't come in today, I'm seeing spots."

"Have you seen a doctor?"

"No, just the spots."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: doctor
Two friends are hiking in the mountains when they stumble across a grizzly bear. The bear rears up on its hind legs and roars at them, displaying all of the signs of aggression. They both know they're in real trouble.

One of the men sits down calmly, takes off his hiking boots, and pulls a pair of running shoes out of his backpack.

"What are you doing?" screams his friend. "You can't outrun a bear!"

"I don't have to", he says while tying his shoes. "I just have to outrun you."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: bear friend
A duck walks into a bar. He hops up on a stool and asks a bartender "got any grapes?". The bartender replies "no, this is a bar. We don't have grapes here". The duck leaves. The next day he comes in to the same bar, hops up on the same stool and says "got any grapes?" the bartender angrily replies "NO! we don't have any grapes. I told you yesterday that this is a bar, now if you ask me one more time I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor". The duck leaves. The next day the duck returns and hops up on the same stool. The duck asks "got any nails?" The bartender, puzzled says "no, why?" the duck replies "got any grapes?"
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
Why did the little girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: arms
What's the difference between God and a medical school graduate?

God doesn't think he's a doctor.
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over he walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you're drunk. I'm going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I'm a severe asthmatic, and I don't have my inhaler with me...if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah...well, this is more invasive, but if you won't submit to a breathalyzer, I'm going to have to take you down to the station and take blood"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I'm a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can't give blood...I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I'm going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I can't do that, I'm drunk."
  • Currently 0/5 Stars.
tags: sheep road drunk
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