Latest jokes [1-26] of 963

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There are these three women A redhead a brunette and a blonde. And they start to talk about their daughters. The red head says "you know i caught my daughter with cigars i did not know she smoked!" then the brunette says " I know! i found booze in my daughters room i didnt know mine drank!" then the blonde says.."OMG i like totally know where ur coming form OMG, i found like these these ummm condoms!? in my daughters room...like OMG i didnt know she had *whispers* a penisssss"
  • Currently 3.33333/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
Where can you buy a 3 headed flying purple camel with 74 noses?


Ebay.
  • Currently 2/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
why couldnt the teddy bear eat any more thanksgiving dinner?

he was already stuffed!
  • Currently 3.33333/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
whats a ghost's favorite fruit?

booberries!
  • Currently 1.33333/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
what did one mountain say to the other?

meet you in the valley!
  • Currently 1.66667/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
what do penguins use as napkins?

flapkins!
  • Currently 2.5/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
Two ships were at sea, a British one and a German one. Suddenly the British ship malfunctioned and they were going down
So they radioed the Germans and said" mayday mayday. We're sinking!!"

Some time lapsed and the Germans replied, "what are you s-thinking about?"
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
"A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

"The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

"The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'"
  • Currently 3.6/5 Stars.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A chocolate BAA
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: sheep
A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm lookin' for the guy that shot my paw."
  • Currently 3.83333/5 Stars.
tags: dog
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
  • Currently 2.8/5 Stars.
This guy goes to the Olympics and sees a guy carrying a long pole.

He asks - Are you a pole vaulter?

Guy replies - No I'm German, and my name is Hans.
  • Currently 2/5 Stars.
tags: german
Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to perform a logical right shift?

A: 32. One to hold the bits and 31 to push the register.
  • Currently 1/5 Stars.
tags: ibm
What do real men do to please their women?

Real men don't care.
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
tags: women
A big scary looking man comes to a trader in a slave market. "Can you sell me ten slaves for some, uh, fun". "Of course" says the trader. The man picks 10 fittest male slaves, orders them to stay in line and then takes a gun and shoots nine of them at random. The surprised trader asks: "Why the hell didn't you buy just one instead of wasting 9 perfectly good slaves". The man answers: "That's just not the same... Look at that last guy - he has such a tight ass now!"
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
Doctor to a woman: The good news is you don't have PMS...the bad news is your a bitch
  • Currently 2.75/5 Stars.
tags: woman bitch
A bear walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "give me a drink." The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve bears." The bear says, "well, give me a drink or I'll eat that woman at the other end of the bar." The bartender says, "psh, go ahead." So the bear eats the woman and asks the bartender one more time to give him a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve bears on drugs." The bear, clearly dumbfounded says, "what? I'm not on drugs." And the bartender says, "that was a bar-bitch-you-ate"
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after paying for the gas. As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over. He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer, he sees the officer is writing him a summons! Confused, he asks, "You're writing me a ticket!? What for?" The officer replies, "Posession of an illegal fire arm."
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
An American, a Japanese man, and a man from a Botswana are in a sauna. There is a ringing sound the American makes his hand into a phone shape, whispers, "Phone call," to the other two men, and answers it. Then, there's a beeping noise the Japanese man taps his wrist several times, and says, "I'm being IM'ed." The Botswanan goes to the bathroom, and when he comes back, there's toilet paper trailing from his ass. The American says, "You know, uh, you have some toilet paper back behind..."

"I'm getting a fax."
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!" Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!" So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!" By now, the roman gurad is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?" Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
A general noticed one of his privates was behaving oddly. He'd pick up a piece of paper and say, "No, no, that's not it!" After some weeks he was seen by the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist concluded the private was deranged and wrote his discharge from the army. The private picked it up and said, "Yes, that's it!"
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
tags: psychiatrist
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
  • Currently 3.33333/5 Stars.
tags: swimmer drown
Why do ballerinas stand on their toes?
Can't they just get taller women?
  • Currently 3.33333/5 Stars.
tags: women
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  • Currently 2/5 Stars.
tags: cat mouse
If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
tags: vampire
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