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Did you hear about the fly who flew through a screen door at full speed?
Strained himself.
It was another fine mesh he got himself into.
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
tags: fly
A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back. His father said, "How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"

  • Currently 2/5 Stars.
tags: father boy
A man was badly injured in a car accident. The entire left half of his body was torn off. He was taken to the hospital and examined. The doctors said he was all right. The nurses said there wasn't much left.
  • Currently 3.66667/5 Stars.
tags: doctor car
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't even pay for your sandwich!""Hey, man, I'm a PANDA!" the panda shouts back. "Look it up!"The manager opens his dictionary and reads: "Panda: a tree-dwellingmammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and whitecoloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
  • Currently 3.81818/5 Stars.
How do you mend a jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.
  • Currently 3.33333/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
What kind of coat does a vampire wear in the rain?
A wet one.
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
tags: vampire
If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.
  • Currently 3/5 Stars.
tags: n/a
What holds the moon up?
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
tags: moon
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
  • Currently 4/5 Stars.
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